Today I had this big idea that I was going to have a huge workout and be superwoman at the gym. But after about half my workout, I was really tired. So thought it was hard, I listened to myself and went home instead of pushing myself like I usually do. I let go of the attachment of having a great workout. Today it was just alright…and that is ok :)
I did my best today but it wasn’t enough. This is a really hard task! I really need to learn to be able to comfortable with silence. I could say I did it because I tried really hard but I don’t really feel I did as well as I could. I asked lots of questions but I always seemed to have “my own personal experience” to share.
So I will try another day.
I saw it (my ego) today and caught it. I mad a mental note to myself to write the siting down…but I promptly forgot what it was that I learned. I know that it happened on the treadmill at the gym. That’s all I can remember. Drats. Foiled again!
I was going to do it from 6-7pm which is in a few minutes but then I realized that it probably should be darker outside for it to really make a difference. So I will wait until 8-9pm and have a candlelit bubblebath (one of my other goals).
She is being alot quieter today :)....oh, that is because she is sleeping :|
8. The deep shades of orange the setting sun becomes
9. How forgiving my friends are
10. My cat letting my brush her long scraggly fur…finally!
11. Silence
Well the elastic wasn’t working as well as a plastic ring she found (no doubt climbing on the kitchen counter like a naughty kitty). So I hucked it a few times and it was going swimmingly until I somehow flung it into the great unknown. I felt terrible for losing her favorite new toy. So I twisted a twistie tie into a circle and it is working well. I looked down a second ago and there she was looking up and me with The twisty at her feet!
Rather than the traditional three meals a day, I am going to half smaller portions because otherwise I usually overstuff myself and feel awful. I am sure grateful to live alone so I can cook when and what and how much I want without any external pressure. It helps me hear my body better.
I went out tonight and everyone who asked me how I was (I haven’t been out in a while) got the truth. I didn’t bombard them but I let them know that I have been in a difficult place but that I am winning. I didn’t even consider if it would make them feel anything but trusted that they could handle the truth. It went well and everyone seemed to be ok with my honesty.
I have been collecting art supplies (every kind of paint, pencil, paper, canvas, and medium that you can imagine) for over 10 years. I even carried a little canvas and paints in my small backpack as I traveled the world. It came home with me as blank as it left. I am so afraid of messing up that I won’t even open the paints.
I am going to start using my plethora of art supplies. I will make lots of messy art that isn’t perfect.
Because for some reason I am deathly afraid to cry in front of people (even myself sometimes). I have alot of tears trying to get out now that they see I am becoming more open. I have about twenty years worth so I know it won’t happen overnight but I would like to be able to cry freely when I feel it.
Since I just joined, I have only one day left to decide on my goals…I think that is how it works. In any case, I can do it. I already have my one for April:
1. Coordinate a conference for type 1 juvenile diabetes and have the big day go off without a hitch. I have been working on this one for months now and it is only two weeks away!
I have a bookshelf full of books I never finished. I get to the last five or ten pages, and I can’t read them unless there is another book in the series. I guess I have a fear of things ending. So I am going to find five books I have never read and only read the endings.
I have a feeling this is going to help me lose a few extra pounds too…
I know I will end up doing it anyway so I am going to make it harder. My new rule is:
If I want to procrastinate on something, I have to write it on a piece of paper and put it in the jar (I am using a clear vase so I can see how full it gets). That’s all. Just a little extra work and I can procrastinate away guilt-free.
I secretly think this is going to train me to “just do it” more often because I can’t find a pen or don’t want to waste time writing down the words
I think I have come close to a whole day a few times but someone always comes over or I have to go out for some reason.
1. You only have to consult with one person before making a decision…YOU!
2. You can cook things the way YOU like them
3. Silence anytime you want it
4. You can spend a whole day in bed without having to answer to anyone
5. You can sleep diagonal in bed if you like. The whole bed is yours!
6. You can sing songs as loud as you want and not feel embarrassed not to know all the words
7. You can run around naked
I am going to start small. I am going to let go of my attachment to being right. Just for today. Should be easier since I am also not talking as much as listening today as well.
This is 5 days a week, 8 hours a day of full on self examination and reconstruction into a healthier person. I am a little worried because I haven’t committed to anything so regular and scheduled for over 7 years. But it’s only a 15 minute walk from my house so it doesn’t seem like so much of an effort. I am not allowed to miss even one day (unless I am IN the hospital) that is how strict this is.
Sounds like it would be easy but the friend I am spending time with today is ALSO a listener. Let’s see what happens. My strategy is to only ask questions because usually they require explanations which take alot more words. :P
I did this years ago for three months straight every day and in such detail that I would be writing for hours. It was a very pivotal time in my life. I am at another crux so I have started again. It’s only been a couple weeks but already the dreams are more vivid. I just can’t get lazy because this is important!
Mine is sneakier than I thought. I am pretty sure I am on the right track though. If I can just separate what is ego and what is true for me then life may make a lot more sense. At the moment, I am quite confused.
Candles are so much more classy anyway…I have so many and always save them for a special occasion. A date with Mother Earth is worthy, me thinks.
Candles are so much more classy anyway…I have so many and always save them for a special occasion. A date with Mother Earth is worthy, me thinks.
I used to think that my cuts were not worth wasting a bandaid. Now I know that all my hurts deserve to heal. Bandaids symbolize that step towards a higher self worth.
I have a bandaid on my finger right now…it’s a spiderman bandaid :)
She is just a kitten but has just gone into heat. I have a week before she can get into the vet to get spayed. In the meantime, she is driving me NUTS! I have had to have my ipod on full blast in my ears whenever I am home.
1. kittens
2. cookies
3. random acts of kindness
4. laughter
5. winning
6. my bed
7. soft sand
I have My Word Coach for nintendo DS and it is changing my whole vocab. I had no idea about some of these words and learning them is quite fun. I thought it would be some easy kids game but its quite challenging. I now use goodish in good conscience knowing it is a real word.
Goodish: Good but not too good
I am not religious but I think I should read the bible, koran, and others in order to be able to defend my spiritual stance.
I think I am doing this one. I haven’t come up with a game plan yet but at least I am not shutting everyone out of my life anymore. That seems like a good start.
Every year I do this…I wait till the last week. This year I don’t want to do that. I will start gathering the papers on Monday and have a spreadsheet started by Friday.
I have started with one of the thick hairbands that she loves stealing from me. Its fun to flick across the room but she still hasn’t figured out how to bring it to me. She runs after it every time tho.
We are only on day 2 so I will keep working on it.
I went to the physiotherapist the other day and he told me this tip: holding in your belly actually works a core muscle deep in your lower back called the transverse abdominis.
It’s really hard to isolate that lower muscle but I can see why it is so important. Try pulling your stomach in and bringing your belly button down to your back without flexing your sixpack.
I have stuffed my anger my whole life. Now that I am facing my issues of my past, the anger is coming out. I am scared of it because in my experience anger means violence or abandonment. I always thought it was a bad emotion to have. Now I can’t stop it and its happening all the time for everything! Help!
How does one express anger in a healthy way?
But I just don’t seem to get the feeling. I do it for others but it never seems completely real. I think it’s because I have to forgive myself first. I am in the process of finding out all the things I blame myself for…it’s really painful.
It may sound weird but I once had a very strong voice in my head that told me just two words…Teach Compassion. That was it. It has never happened again. So I think it may be important.
In order for me to teach it, I better learn it and practice it. I am going to start with myself. I am trying to see my mistakes and failures more gently.
I have a habit of always smiling even when I am not happy.
Now I am going to save my smiles for when I mean them and not mask my emotions to make other people comfortable…because its ok to be sad too.
My challenge is to make sure I don’t try to be too extreme. As they say, everything in moderation. In this goal, there is room for the occasional cookie ;) which will keep my inner child happy.
I have tried numerous times but always fall off the wagon after about a week of intense hour long sessions. This time, I am going to start with just 1 minute a day. That seems doable to me. It’s not about quantity (I tend to push myself then burn out) at this point but about creating a habit.
I will have a little meditation rock so that it will signal that this is meditation time when I sit with the rock. Otherwise, I can see myself trying to say that sitting on the bus or at the doctors office was “meditation”. It has to be purposeful and intentional.
I have to force myself to remember all the great things I have experienced. I think I should start a list because if I forget, there may not always be someone there to remind me.
1. I am proud of myself for not giving up when things got too tough.
Whenever I have gone against the popular opinion and done it anyway, my instincts have been spot on. I seem to trust myself after one of these wins until someone (usually a close friend or family member) puts me down, criticizes me or tells me I am just lucky.
It’s hard work to trust yourself when others try to work you according to their agenda. I now see this as their projection of fear and insecurity with my choices. I am the only one who knows whats right for me. Period.
I have to stop rushing and putting so much pressure on myself. I end up sacrificing my well being to please others. I need to slow down and breathe.
I have been flaky in the past because I can’t seem to commit to one thing. But now it is coming back to me and hurting me alot. I am making a conscious effort to say what I mean and mean what I say.
I have spent my life telling myself lies because the truth hurt too much or upset those around me. I am a fantastic actress but now there is no more room to stuff the stories. The truth is painful but I no longer have a choice.
I see that this is going to change everything. But I would rather be hated for who I AM than loved for who I AM NOT.
It’s time to tell the truth, not just what people want to hear.
I have begun sorting through all the “stuff” I put off when I was younger. Now that I am mature enough to handle the intensity of the experiences without slipping into denial, I have made it my full time job. I just want to be able to be honest with myself and finally know what is actually ME and what are patterns passed down from my parents.
I am learning that all my life I have been basing my decisions and actions on a belief system which was completely wrong for me. Now I am deconstructing my faulty foundation and rebuilding my Self to be consistent with who I really am. It’s a long and painful process but now that I have admitted this, it is impossible to turn back.
I am just starting but have a good grasp on where I am going and what I need to do. No doubt about it though, its going to be hard, no matter how I slice it.
